Relationship Phobia: Realizations During Lockdown


I am afraid to commit. This is the truth now, and I admit it. I just realized that I could not move on, as in move on with another person because I am stuck with the past. What I know for sure is that I do not love my ex-husband anymore, and yet, every chance I get, the triggers still come. Relationship phobia, that’s what my friend, who is also a therapist at BetterHelp, tells me that I have. I just laughed at her, but deep down inside, I knew she has a point.

There is this guy that I met last January while I was on vacation in New York. I wanted to have a great and sexy weekend with him, and we did. It was the best. He was so romantic, and the wild side in me emerged. We were perfect, but you know how vacation hookup goes, and I was ready to leave it behind. I did not expect to have a relationship with him because, apparently, he wanted more of me, not just the physical aspect. But for me.

I know! It may seem weird and sudden, but he wanted a relationship, and I was afraid of it. When I got off the plane, he was calling me and telling me how much I am missed. I have repeatedly shut him down and told him I cannot trust any man ever again, but he was persistent. He asked me for a chance, and at my lowest moment, I said, “yes.”

There is nothing wrong with this guy apart from he is already married. In our religion and culture, though, men are allowed to marry up to four women as long as he can provide for all of them, their own little family, and be just and fair to all wives. In today’s world, how is that possible? We cannot be fair with love because our feelings can be dictated of what’s inside. For example, we love our parents, right? But there is a tendency that you are a Daddy’s girl, and you like your dad more than your mom. This is the same thing. He can love his first wife more than me, and that made me say, “Hey, no.”

Was I making up a reason because of my phobia? Maybe yes, and maybe no. I was so relieved when this pandemic and lockdown thing happened. He was bound to stay in New York while I’m here in LA. Before the lockdown, he would come and visit me every weekend. He didn’t mind it, and he wanted it. He kept on repeating that he wanted me. Did I want him as bad as he wanted me? Yes, but I would not tell that to anyone.

Commitment Anxiety. Why am I feeling this way? I love him. He made me feel so important and loved. Even if I didn’t need it, he provided for me – on this lockdown alone, he took care of my car payments and rent. I was out of a job, and since we met, he gave me my “allowance” as he calls it. His first wife even knows of me and approves. I know! It is so perfect, but why do I feel this way?

My insecurities are acting up. I have having all these weird thoughts in my head. I keep on thinking that he will do to me what my first husband has done in the past – beat me up, verbally abuse me, use me, and unlove me. Will he do the same? In my mind, it is yes and also a no. How can I resolve this? Am I destroying the chance of me having a wonderful partnership?

The lockdown has been lifted, and he is on his way here to me as I write this blog. I need to be fair to him as he is a very good person—godly, righteous, honest, and kind. And you know what? I had become so productive at work and in my life when I met him. He had that effect on me. So, why am I still afraid? He deserves a better me or a no me. And I have to tell him what I want, what I really want. Perhaps that is the only way I can get rid of these unwanted thoughts.